#1 BOY GIRL RELATIONSHIPS- Islam's perspective. Part a.

WOW, it seems like ages since I blogged (it has been agaes) But this life took another turn since!

So, from late last year, I decided to start participating in darsahs- mainly speaking in darsahs that I would hold with they younger genetration. I decided to involve them from the start, have them select what they want to be taught about. The response was spectacular and much more positive then i ever anticipated. I killed the typical "darsah is too boring coz we hear an old ladies thought" notion with the approach of a "young" presenter (yours truly) talking to them, this created the reaction I was hoping for- the excitement before every talk, the enthusiasm and the interaction is great! They are part of it, they feel i can relate more to the issues affecting them today. My closest friends and hosts every Sunday from 9-11 AM- STATE HOUSE GIRLS SCHOOL Nairobi.

The next series of blogs are made up of the presentations I shared with them on their topics of choice. I'm sure any reader, muslim or non-muslim, young or old and also/especially parents with teenage kids will learn a thing or two from these write ups and will agree that their choice of topics was well thought out in regards to our current state/environment.

In order to grasp the understanding of prohibition of boy girl relationships in Islam, we have to begin with understanding of adultery.

#1 Part a) BOY GIRL RELATIONSHIPS- Islam's perspective

Concept of Adultery in Islam

Adultery is a crime not against one person but against the whole of society. For the unmarried, it is a poisoning/deteriorating of the society and the acceptance and invitation of satan to our lives. It affects younger brothers and sisters, the mood and harmony of a family/home, the respect and dignity of a family/generation/religion, disobedience to Allah. It is a violation of a marital contract. 50% of all first time marriages world wide result in divorce within two years and the main reason for divorce are the adultery of one of the partners. Adultery, which includes both pre-marital and extra marital relationships, is an epidemic in this society. Nobody seems to listen to the Bible, which says frequently, "Thou shall not commit adultery." The Quranic approach is, "Do not approach adultery."

Does it mean that not only is illegal sex prohibited, but also anything that leads to illegal sex is also illegal? NO; adultery include: dating, free mixing of the sexes, provocative dress, nudity, obscenity, and pornography. The dress code both for men and women is to protect them from temptation and desires by on lookers who may lose self-control and fall into sin. "Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that will make for greater purity, and God is well acquainted with all they do. And say to the believing woman that they should lower their gaze, and guard their modesty."(Quran 24:30-3 1)

"Do not go near to adultery. Surely it is a shameful deed and evil, opening roads (to other evils)" (Quran 17:32).

"Say, 'Verily, my Lord has prohibited the shameful deeds, be it open or secret, sins and trespasses against the truth and reason"' ( Quran 7:33).

"Women impure are for men impure, and men impure are for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity." (Quran 24:26)

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) has said in many places that adultery is one of the three major sins. The most interesting story is that of a young man who went to the Prophet. This man asked for permission to fornicate because he could not control himself. The Prophet dealt with him with reasoning and asked him if he would approve of someone else having illegal sex with his mother, sister, daughter, or wife. Each time the man said 'no'. Then the Prophet replied that the woman with whom you plan to have sex is also somebody's mother, sister, daughter, or wife. The man understood and repented. The Prophet prayed for his forgiveness.

Ibn Masoud (r.a.a) related that Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said, "The blood of a Muslim may not be legally spilt other than in one of three instances: the married person who commits adultery, a life for a life, and one who forsakes his religion and abandons the community." [Bukhari and Muslim]. In other words, the married person who commits adultery is to be killed by stoning to death [Muslim]. But what about the unmarried person who has sexual relationships? Rest assured that this person will not go unpunished - he or she is to be caned or whipped one hundred times [Muslim]. Even in the Hereafter, the punishment is severe: the Prophet (s.a.w) saw adulterers, men and women, in a baking oven in Hellfire [Bukhari].

Abu Hurairah (r.a.a) narrated that Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said that among the seven persons whom Allah will shade in His Shade on the Day (of Judgement) when there is no shade except His Shade, is a man/woman who is tempted by a beautiful man/woman and refuses to respond for fear of Allah. [Bukhari and Muslim].
How do we deal wth this in today’s society?

We must:

1. Not freely mix with the opposite sex.

2. Not to look at the opposite sex. This is done by lowering or averting their eyes as Allah tells us: "Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and to protect their private parts. That is purer for them. Verily Allah is All-Aware of what they do. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and protect their private parts..." [24:30-31] Furthermore, Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said, "...do not let a second look follow the first. The first look is allowed to you but not the second." [Ahmad, Abu Dawood, at-Tirmidhi]. What this means is that the first look is by accident. If this happens then do not take a second look. Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) also said that the eyes also commit adultery by looking at someone with lust. [Bukhari]

3. For girls, do not make your voices seductive or sweet in front of non-mahram. This is done by lowering the voice and not flirting. As Allah tells the wives of Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) "...do not be too pleasant of speech, lest one in whose heart there is a disease should feel desire for you..." [33:32]

4. Last but not least, wear appropriate clothing so as not to draw attention to yourselves. That is, girls should wear Hijabs and loose clothing while boys should also wear loose clothing, not the tight jeans or pants with T-shirt tucked in. It is sad that, often, parents allow their children to wear the so called fashion clothing which, in most cases, do not meet the requirement of acceptable Islamic dress code. What is even sadder is to see Muslim mothers covering themselves properly walking with their uncovered teenage daughters and sons.

5. It is important that we start learning to feel modesty, especially around the opposite sex. Regarding shyness, we should use the Prophet (s.a.w) as an example: Abu Said Al Khudri (r.a.a) reported that the Prophet (s.a.w) was more shy than a virgin in her own room. [Bukhari] If we instill this into them at an early age then, Insha' Allah, whenever they are near the vicinity of the opposite sex, they will feel shy and, therefore, will not act inappropriately. It is also important that we keep the communication channels open with our children so that we can talk and explain to them things, and they can ask us questions, without any party feeling embarrassed. Then, when they are older, and with help from us, they will begin to understand why it is that there cannot be a thing called 'the girlfriend-boyfriend relationship'. This is the concept of Hayaa!! We will get back to this later on!

HOW TO ISLAMICALLY HANDLE A SITUATION THAT HAS ALREADY BEEN CREATED (boy and girl have fallen in love)

Firstly remember, when you are ready to be in a relationship or ready to explore feelings and desires (whatever they may be) with the opposite sex then, you are ready for marriage! If you feel you’re too young and cannot get married yet, then you back off from any desire and continue with your studies. We have been told once one is ready for marriage- maturity, then he/she should get married and if he cannot for whatever reason, then he should observe saum.
QUESTION: So how do a boy and girl meet if Islamically they are not to mix freely?

If A boy likes a girl and shows it, maybe writes her a letter or signals her or sends someone to tell her- if the girl likes him back the Islamic thing to do is for the boys family to approach the girls family, make his intentions clear and ask to see her. After parents have discussed this (Islamically we need to remember forced marriages and denying love relationships are not right, however youth are urged to listen to their elders for they know best) the couple will then either get engaged or be allowed to meet with a chaperons (normally an elderly family member or elder siblings) after getting to know each other an agreement can be made to marry, the prophet always said “the best thing that can come out of people love is marriage”

By now we have realized that there is absolutely NO space in Islam for pre-marital or extra marital relationships and so IT IS HARAAM!

Follow part b) Hayaa, for a continuation of this blog.